Frazzled

I love my hairdresser.

She is truly the most bestest hairdresser that ever a hairdresser was.

I first met her when I had to pick up some outrageous curls for my formal, and since that time we've gone through perms, foils, my wedding and everything. Even when the lad and I lived in Melbs for three years, I still got my hair done every time I returned to Brissy. Even now, I travel half way across town to see her.

Needless to say, the inspiration for this post is that I saw my hairdresser this very evening. Yay! As usual, we had our little banter about work, married life, and just how very slack I am at coming in every six weeks (though we both admired my efforts at only taking eight weeks this time 'round.)

And then she hit me with it. Yes, my most irreplaceable dresser of hairs told me that she was pregnant and due in three very short months - "one visit for you" as she so tactfully put it.

This news was harrowing. After all, she is my one and only hairdresser. I said all the right things, "Girl or boy?" (Girl.) "Name?" (Abby. But only if it's cute. Apparently you can't call an ugly baby Abby.)

Aaanyway, I eventually worked my way around to asking if she was going to take much time off for the wee bub. She just said that it would depend on how horrible it was...

A likely story. She's going to leave me. I know it. She's going to leave me and the evil evil regrowth I'll have by then!! I can't bear to think of it. I wonder perhaps if she'd keep working if I promised to come in every six weeks. Every six weeks I tell you! AND I'll buy professional styling products!!

Yep, that'll clinch it. Aaaahhh, yet another close shave avoided. Good work Al!

Always look on...

... the dark side of life. At least at the moment, as all of our house lights have just blown.

It seems Jesse has recently attempted to change one of our front outside lights, and in so doing has plunged us into darkness and nearly electrocuted himself.

But mainly plunged us into darkness.

'Night all.

Big Tease

Has anyone checked out Lux's new "Luminous Touch" body wash? Whilst dawdling down the bathroom aisle at Coles the other day (home of NAS tomato sauce, remember), I couldn't resist the beautifully tantalising new Lux body wash bottles. This particular "Luminous Touch" bottle was a lovely golden hue with little sparkly things on it, and it couldn't help but make you feel glad to be grubby.

Aaanyway, having purchased said bottle, I rushed home and jumped in the shower, ready to give it a red hot rumble. Well, it smelled fantastic and it looked gorgeous - all shiny and full of glittery bits. I couldn't help but drift off into images of the new bronzed Aussie Al that was sure to emerge from this cleansing extravaganza. After all, this luxurious goop was packed with 'shea cream' and 'skin illuminators', or so the bottle told me. (NB: I'm not sure what skin illuminators are exactly, but I imagine that they must be bubbly little critters with great personalities. Like this.)

In fact, the bottle went so far as to say that this body wash "...wraps your skin in a light reflective veil of shea cream and delicate skin brighteners, leaving your skin with a beautiful glow you can see."

I ask you, with descriptors like that, it is any wonder that I am saddened to say that, since using Luminous Touch yesterday, not one person has commented on how much I look like Jennifer Hawkins. In fact, nobody appears to have noticed my newly-acquired veil of luminosity at all.

Still, don't get me wrong. I don't mean to be defamatory in any way. Indeed, it may just be my particular bottle that doesn't quite hit the mark. But I can't help but think that there seems to be an inherent conflict of interest between something that will enveil my skin despite being 'rinsed well'. In fact, it gives me pause to consider, where oh where is an over-zealous disclosure regime when you really need it?

Genius

I must share my excitement. Amongst normal people, it is probably a little known fact that a most stupendous game is coming out on XBox 360 at the end of this year...

VIVA PINATA!!!

I love sim games.

I love animals. I love plants. I love pinatas.

And Viva Pinata unites all these things in one magical sim game! Wooohoooooooo!

Anyone who's keen to find out what I'm babbling about should check out Rare's dedicated VP page - though this site alone really doesn't do it justice.

Par-tay!

The lovely Michelle celebrated her 23rd birthday in 'M' style on Friday night, with many monks, Mexicans and miscellaneous madmen in attendance.

Unfortunately, yours truly decided to run with a Mohican outfit, which was clearly a little obtuse for most of the party-goers. (Guesses included Mayan, Montezuman and Pocahontas. COME ON PEOPLE!)

Aaanyway, it's been a while since I attended a humdinger fancy dress party, so it was great to see the outstanding effort everyone made to get into the theme. There were authentic matadors and Monkey Magic pilgrims - even Merv made a show, mo and all. Hats went off to Gav as a balding monk, and nobody could outdo the birthday girl resplendent as a blue M&M.

My only disappointment was that Sing Star wasn't pulled out for the occasion. (Perhaps next time). But fortunately everyone seemed to cope and have a rollicking good time nonetheless.

"Sneakers" Pah!

An interesting observation.

A work buddy of mine, Shev, ventured into the mall today (lunchtime no less), to pick out a new pair of runners. Her old pair of runners were white with hot pink highlights. Her new pair of runners are sort of egg-shell blue with white and maroon details. This got me thinking.

Why do sneakers only come in zany colours?? All those brazen pinks and yellows. Not to mention spawn-of-the-devil orange. And even those white shoes that went easy on the colours can peel paint of cars.

I just want reserved runners. Softly-spoken sneakers that won't take your eye out. Must my comfy shoes always look so wretchedly horrid with a suit and stockings that I am compelled to walk in heels to work??

I am sick and tired of trying to buy gym clothes that match the wacky sneaker colours I despairingly committed to earlier. Is it any wonder that, in stark contrast to runners, gym clothes only seem to come in white, black and grey.

Again, I would call for reform. But having failed in my rally to convince middle-aged men not to order their Ferraris in corn-puss yellow, I fear I shall have to just let this one go.

Smartest Dog Alive

I am somewhat perturbed. It's a long story, but the short version is that I have returned from work to find that Bindi has chewed up my nice new pink razor. Of course, by 'chewed' I mean rendered utterly lifeless. Disturbingly, the actual razor head has yet to be located. So if I'm not at work tomorrow, I'm at the vet...

BTW

Forget petrol prices. In a sad turn of events my standard lunch of fruit salad and yogie has gone up by 40c. I am so disillusioned.

Don't Think I Don't Know You're Out There

Dear All (and by 'All' I mean those special special people I specifically emailed this blog to), this is just a polite post to let you know that I know that you are not spending nearly enough time reading my blog. I am particularly devastated that all my so-called music officiando buddies have not leapt into answering that damn song title quiz thingy. Do you have any idea how many times I had to listen to the start of those songs?? I don't even like some of them!! :(

So here it is. Cards on the table. I know when you visit and I know when you don't. I know the dodgy dodgy sites you've linked in from and I know just how very little time you stayed on my dodgy site. I don't want to name names and I don't want to place any extra pressure on you guys. But I'm keeping a list, and Christmas cards may depend on that list. So you've been warrrrrned! Hahahahaarrharrrrrrrr...

Clash of the Titans

Hello dear world. It has been but 20 minutes since my last post. And in that time, I've been thinking. Thinking about work. Thinking about blogs. But mainly thinking about whether it is better to be a wizard or an elf.

Elf Ali: "Must you even pause? We elves are intriguing, haunting, and really, really, ridiculously good-looking. We have big pointy ears, are nigh-immortal and make lovely quiet neighbours. Our magic is subtle - no ghastly flashes and hocus pocus. We are masters of the elements; and hold alcohol like a treat."
Wizard Ali: "Touche, my tree-hugging friend. I may have the tolerance of a gibbon, but I can turn you into a gibbon also. And who hasn't laughed at a gibbon with big pointy ears?"
Elf Ali: "Mock me not, monkey-boy, or I shall be forced to stun you with my chiseled features."
Wizard Ali: "Ho-ho! Not before you meet the pointy end of my wand rodent friend! Methinks a duel is at hand!!!"

Zing Zing!

Kapow!

Grrrr!

Shazam!

To be continued....

The Lopsided Square

Question. Are doonas square?

My better half would like to claim that ours is, but I beg to differ.

This quandary came into play when one of our (yet to be identified) petties left a gift on our usual oodna-doonie, and we had to call for a reinforcement. Well now, doonie mark 2 looked fine on the bed, but within 5 minutes of hitting the pillow it became apparent that this blanky was tiny - a facewasher. At least on MY side anyway.

I knew that Jesse couldn't possibly have been asleep at that stage, so I made a few little grumpy noises to give him the idea... but no response. Becoming increasingly huffier, I then tried to pull the blanky over, no longer really caring whether Jesse was asleep or not. But no joy was had.

And that is when I started thinking that the doona must have been the wrong way round. You know. Stretching long-ways down the bed... Which made sense if Jesse wanted to keep his monster feet warm. However, when confronted in a blur of anger later that night, I was impolitely assured that no, the doona was square, and there was no 'wrong way round'. Humph.

I'm not convinced. And since I seem to have been doing quite well in the blanky stakes since that night, I'm reading the lack of follow-up as implied consent. Ali - 1. Jesse - none none none!

The Which Wing?

A request. Can everybody who understands The West Wing please raise their hands?

Just as I suspected...

Is it just me, or is this one of the fastest-talking most quick-witted programs on tv at the moment? Maybe it helps if you're American, but I don't know. It makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. To check whether, in fact, it literally is 'just me', I recently conducted a poll at work involving the one other person I know who watches The West Wing. His viewing of the program was recounted as follows:

Friend's wife: "So do you know what they're talking about?"
Friend: "Nup".
Friend's wife: "Do you know what that person is doing?"
Friend: "Nup".
Friend's wife: "Do you even know what show this is?"
Friend: "Yep, it's The West Wing - top show!"

And that is the ridiculous enigma that is The West Wing.

Roll Up Roll Up

Hello hello! Welcome all to my little house! As you can see, it's pretty weeny, and tightly nestled between its fellow housey neighbours. But if you only want 3 stops to town, that's what you get.

Now for those friends afar, I thought I'd include a little picki of our front yard which has caused us so much grief. Essentially, what you see here has involved days of tireless labour (mainly from Jesse and his dad), due to the numerous tonnes of concrete originally used to fill our front lawn. I kid you not. A few piles of the evil stuff are still lingering around the place.

Aaanyway, no jokes in this post unfortunately - just a practical note to fill my overdue obligation to post some photos of our new place.

i m kool

I have obtained my first official 'comment'! It did, perhaps, demonstrate a little more 'tude than anticipated...

...but hurrah for me!! I have made it in the blogging world!

Yes!

ATTENTION ALL!

'truckinrucker.com' is available. Phew.

1337

According to the most serene of intelligences, the Wikipedia:

"Leet is a slang term used primarily on the Internet, particularly in online games. It is derived from the word "Elite" and generally has the same meaning when referring to the skills of another person. The term is often written with numbers replacing letters, such as 1337, l33t, l33+, as well as many other variations."

I am anger. What the truckin' rucker is going on these days? Ok, so perhaps Generation Y (or whatever the heck they are these days) are a tad too cool for this wrinkly bumpkin. But please! Enuf is enough! At first, I thought a likely culprit for this epidemic was mobile phones. I then considered that liability may rest on email's shoulders. But no. I've sorted it. It's Nite Owl. Or maybe Pick 'n' Pay. Definitely one of those. And we all know what happened to them... The great wizened Owl is all but off its perch. And old Pickster... well, contrary to popular belief about snot on the carpet, it is now a financial tumbleweed due to the sheer unadulterated tackiness of its title.

So perhaps the current hip-hoppy, props-monkey coolios were too young to remember the scar Pick 'n' Pay left. But not this rabbit. Oh no. The slobbish slang of the moment will lose its l33tness all too soon, and in a few short years the leaders of this linguistic rat-pack will look back and realise with astonishment that they were, in truth, a complete mob of 7001s.

Outrage.com

Big day today. Big big day. In a side-step from the usual, I had a schedule of training today, focusing on 'Coaching Skills'. (Or as I would have said as a tot, 'choking skills'). On top of the usual chatter about top coaching qualities and situational leadership styles, I was overjoyed to find that the day included a hands-on component. In fact, as a result of this practical application opportunity, I can now somewhat confidently start a whipper-snipper (no more scissors!), I am the proud owner of a paper 'chatterbox' (and will marry Orlando Bloom!!), and I have semi-successfully trained two colleagues in conversational French. Not a bad day's work, non?

In addition to the mammoth creativity expenditure made in training today, it is with great eagerness that Jesse and I have spent the last 48 hours brainstorming catchy company/venture names. We've even gone so far as to check their availability as dot-coms.

Well holy guacamole! Tip for young players - do not bother thinking about registering a domain name. Ever. Not even after pulling out a dictionary. It is a little known fact that all identifiable English words are already domain names. Even the dorky ones. And it doesn't stop there. The dot-com company is clean out of phonetic derivations too. They went out with all the trendy 'x' and 'z' words - sparx, sparkz, sparkxez. Indeed, out of our many trials (and there were many, many, bordering on the ridiculous), the only magic one left was sparkypants.com. True. You don't even have to use a 'z'! So despite my narkiness (which is also available), I guess there is hope after all - just not as a domain name.

Hurrah

I have a dream. A dream that, one day, much like chicken, all things in this world will taste like tomato sauce. It is truly the greatest of condiments, converting all variety of dull and lifeless edibles into zesty red packages of sunshine!

And that is why, when my love affair with salt came to an abrupt halt earlier this year, it was with crushing devastation that I realised that I was to part ways with tomato sauce (and indeed its many offspring of barbecue sauces, soy sauces and so on).

UNTIL YESTERDAY! For yesterday, I discovered my first bottle of No Added Salt (NAS) Tomato Sauce!!

"Hurrah!!" I hear you think. Well, I'm afraid 'hurrah' is not enough my kiddles. Not nearly enough. In fact, I am calling for all you avid readers to go out tonight and pick up your very own bottle of NAS tomato sauce! For it is only through sheer purchasing power that NAS tomato sauce will retain its crucial position on the shopping centre shelf... and nobody wants to think about what I'll do the day I turn up to Coles and it's not there...

So go now my children! Embrace the wickedness that is NAS tomato sauce (and save a poor.. sick.. girl's.. remaining sanity).

Rock Out

How much is everybody loving the start to 'Idol' this year? My favourite lost soul so far is the girl who said that her voice sounds the same as Kelly Clarkson... at least when she's singing along with Ms Clarkson anyway.

I thought this comment was fantastic! I have clearly found a soulmate! Indeed, I too, think that my voice sounds like Kelly when I sing along with her... And Pink when I sing with her... And even Robbie when I sing with him! It is truly a skill that few possess.

And how about those Aussies that put on the American slur to sing? I particularly enjoy that also, and attempt to engage in similar conduct whenever possible. "Peace out y'all!"

Children Are Our Future

What's the deal with jelly babies these days?

We have a lolly jar at work, and it has recently been topped up with all variety of gummy surprises and sugary delights. But somebody needs to send me the memo on jelly babies.

I remember jelly babies being cute little tubby people with clearly distinguishable limbs and facial features. In the last couple of weeks I have seen the following throwbacks to the babies-o-jell of the past:

• 'The lego baby' - that most basic of creature that seems to have accidentally stapled its arms to its pants.
• 'The freakshow' - the poor mutated jelly obliterated by craters of such magnitude that its correct orientation remains a mystery.
• 'The Swedish chef' - 'the freakshow' with an additional mutation - I giant puffy glob at the top.
• (And my personal favourite) 'The coy baby' - to my absolute mirth and astonishment, this bub has strategically placed hands covering its privates. I thought perhaps it was a once-off mistake, but, brilliantly, no...

And while I'm throwing the entire gummy industry into question, someone needs to tell all those confectioners to take the white stuff off the strawberries and cream. Nobody can seriously like that stuff. I'm advised by my better half that the white goo 'tastes like milkbottles'. Milkbottles shmilkbottles. All it does is dilute the zesty fruit goodness packed into those suckers. Begone white goo!! YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!

Leftovers

Well, unsurprisingly, everyone did very well in my little music spot quiz. Gold stars for everybody!

However, for completeness, I feel I should include the unanswered leftovers:

1. Stuck - Stacie Orrico
2. I'm Outta' Love - Anastacia
9. Carousel - Eskimo Joe
12. Outta' My Head - Kylie
16. When I Get You Alone - Thicke
18. Sex & Candy - Marcy's Playground
25. Let Go - Frou Frou
27. Have Fun Go Mad - Blair
30. Wisemen - James Blunt
35. Walkin' On The Sun - Smashmouth
37. Something To Remember - Madonna
40. Overcome - Live
42. Head Over feet - Alanis Morisette
43. Crazy In Love - Beyonce
44. Breathe On Me - Britney Spears
45. Story Of A Girl - Nine Days
46. Walking Away - Craig David
47. Spin The Bottle - Juliana Hatfield
49. 1 Thing - Amerie
50. Legend Of A Cowgirl - Imani Coppola

A Wee Quizzle

Being completely unoriginal and thoroughly inspired by other friends' blogs, I thought I'd throw in a wee quiz to see how well all you chickens know my music. Below, I've included the first line from the next 50 random songs shuffled through media player. I'm looking for song title and artist, so let the comment frenzy begin!! (And remember, NO GOOGLING!!!)

1. I can't get out of bed today, or get you off my mind.

2. OooohaWhoa Yeah yeah yeah yeah Oh yeah Aha Now baby come on, don't claim that love you never let me feel.

3. Woke up this morning, from the strangest dream.
Holy Grail - Hunters & Collectors

4. I was born, long ago; I am the chosen I'm the one.
Are You Gonna Go My Way - Lenny Kravitz

5. Must be your skin that I'm sinkin' in, must be for real cause now I can feel.
Glycerine - Bush

6. Sunshine on my window, makes me happy, like I should be.
Calypso - Spiderbait

7. I wanna know what he knows, I wanna feel what he felt.
Apply Candy - Ben Lee

8. When you were here before, couldn't look you in the eyes.
Creep - Radiohead

9. Go to sleep now and dream of him close.

10. Beauty queen of only 18.
She Will Be Loved - Maroon 5

11. Take those shackles off my feet so I can dance.
Shackles (Praise You) - Mary Mary

12. Lalala Lalaal'lala Lalala Lalaal'lala...

13. Ah, We move like cagey tigers.
Love Cats - The Cure

14. Everyone gather round now, sing us a song, just in case by tomorrow it happens he's gone.
Steven's Last Night In Town - Ben Folds Five

15. Shed a tear 'cause I'm missing you, I'm still alright to smile.
Patience - Guns n Roses

16. Oooh...Eah! Baby girl, where you at? Got no strings, got men attached.

17. I thought love was only true in fairytales.
I'm A Believer - Smashmouth

18. Hangin' round. downtown by myself, and I had so much time to sit and think about myself.

19. She came all the way from America.
Mean To Me - Crowded House

20. Duty, who's your master? Who gave you fingers? Who gave you to me?
The Baron of Sentiment - Augie March

21. Load up on guns, bring your friends; It's fun to lose, and to pretend.
Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana

22. Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.
Ain't No Sunshine - Marvin Gaye

23. Have you ever been close to tragedy.
Knock on Wood - Mighty Mighty Bosstones

24. Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog.
Round Here - Counting Crows

25. Drink up, baby down; Mmm, Are you in or are you out?

26. When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide.
The Beatles - Helter Skelter

27. All aboard that funkboat I'm about to start sailing now.

28. Her name is Noelle.
Teenage Dirtbag - Wheatus

29. A few questions that I need to know, How you could ever hurt me so.
Never Ever - All Saints

30. She said to me, "Go steady on me".

31. Friday night I'm going nowhere, All the lights are changing green to red.
Babylon - David Gray

32. My baby don't care for shows.
My Baby Just Cares For Me - Nina Simone

33. Right about now, The funk soul brother.
Rockafella Skank - Fatboy Slim

34. Waitin', watchin' the clock.
Better Man - Pearl Jam

35. It ain't no joke, I'd like to buy the world a toke.

36. And I'd give up forever to touch you.
Iris - Goo Goo Dolls

37. Seems I've played the game for much too long.

38. Sometimes I feel I've got to, Run away.
Tainted Love - Soft Cell

39. This is a call to the colourblind, This is an IOU.
Bigger Than My Body - John Mayer

40. Even now, the world is bleedin'; But feelin' just fine, all numb in our castle.

41. It's sitting by the overcoat, The second shelf, The note she wrote.
Long Day - Matchbox 20

42. I had no choice but to hear you.

43. Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no.

44. It's so hot in here... Oooh, It's so hot and I need some air.

45. This is the story of a girl.

46. Sometimes some people get me wrong.

47. He's a movie star; Only drives rented cars.

48. I can't stand to fly.
Superman - Five for Fighting

49. Na na na na na oh. Oh, been trying to let it go; Trying to keep my eyes closed.

50. I'm gonna drink my whiskey, I'm gonna have my man, I know you got nothing to say.

The Meaning of It All...

A friend of mine (Miss Kris P) is currently traveling on the Trans-Siberian railway and, despite slow internet connections and foreign keyboards, she manages to check-in with a diary update every week or so. Aside from being well-impressed by this effort, it got me thinking, "Gee Al, you really are an incredibly slack ol' git. Why don't you set up a blog so that your far-flung (and not-so-far-flung) friends and acquaintances can keep up with your many fascinating comings and goings?" In response, I concurred that this was, indeed, not such a bad idea. Indeed, I might even get props from my hubby's IT buddies...

So, what can I report? Hmmm... I may have to include some historical info here, just to fill everybody in. So here we go...

I was going to begin with a recount of a harrowing eyebrow-wax experience I incurred a couple of weeks ago. However, since that time I have had my wisdom teeth out, which has just narrowly ousted the 'brows tale for poll position.

Still, the moral of the story is that I miss my wisdom teeth. I mean, I only have three all up, so with two now gone and only one left to come through, things are really quiet on the dental front. I realise that they never really served a purpose - I don't THINK my wisdom has dropped since they were wrenched from my body - but still. And what about the pain?? Nobody told me about the constant ache that would drive me loopy for over a week. All I heard about was how the noises would be horrible etc etc. So listen up all those other unsuspecting wisdom teeth hugging kiddies out there - the experience in the dental chair is fine! Even when one tooth takes over an hour and a half to get out!! It is, in fact, the following week or so, drugged up on painkillers, that you have to worry about. Still, the good news is that they have now healed and I am in no way bitter about the entire ordeal. So that's that.

Moving on to current matters, I am presently listening to Bjork's album "Debut". A little odd, but it keeps me chillin' at work, so it's doing the job. And who doesn't love 'Big Time Sensuality'? Honestly???

Looking ahead, after some coercion from a couple of work buddies, it looks as though we're hitting some ridiculous Latin dance do tomorrow night, which should be interesting. Bring on the daiquiris!! Following that, on Wednesday we have the most exciting of public holidays - the Brisbane Ekka holiday. Unfortunately, I've already had the flu this year, so there seems little need for me attend. Instead, the boy and I shall be making the intrepid trek up to the Sunshine Coast for Jesse's grandma's 80th birthday bash! Will be good to catch up with Jesse's folks, but someone help me - what the hell do you get an 80-year old that isn't frilly or smelly?? All suggestions welcome.