MCU "Milky Cows United"

It dawned on me at brekky this morning, that soy milk is the devil's juice.

It's been a while since I had a good ol' purge about the many wrong things in this big wide world. And if ever there was a worthy candidate to get back on that wagon, it's soy milk.

First, I can't believe it can legally be classified as 'milk'. The Fresians of the world must be rolling their boogly brown eyes in disgust. Yes, arguably, it's as valid a member of the 'milk' family as, say, coconut milk. But you wouldn't put coconut milk on your granola, would you?

No, you wouldn't.

The last time I tried soy was when work had shamefully run out of milk and my caffeine status was dire. Even then, I took one mouthful and splurted it all over my monitor and surrounding suburbs.

And really, if you think about it, how good is juice from a bean ever going to be? Nobody's plucking the innards out of baked beans, squeezing them through a wet tea towel, and chipperly stirring the extract into their morning beverage. And I should know. 'Cause some of my friends are pretty weird.

"But, it just has a bit of a nutty flavour," they proclaim.

Nutty alright.

No. Just no already. I say, it's time to stop hugging the trees and start showing soy milk the big fat hand. Who's with me?

Much Better Places To Be. Seriously.

No.

Hell no.

I want to know, RIGHT NOW, the name and place of residence of the sorry sorry person responsible for canning Torchwood.

I have been hanging, ALL WEEK, to watch Torchwood tonight. And it is not on. Not even a LITTLE BIT.

I simply do not understand. I refuse to believe that it did not rate well. It had all the elements of a cult classic - implausible stories, questionable acting, low budget sets. What's not to love? It was up there with the best of them... South Park, Iron Chef*, Antiques Roadshow.

Yes, it was a little unrealistic - a couple of examples eloquently summarised and quoted from the Aussie Cult Fiction website :


Episode 2 - Day One

An alien entity (personified as a sexy purple mist) wreaks havoc in Cardiff. It finds a human host-body and proceeds to feed itself by bringing other people to orgasm and incinerating them at this point. Deadly shagging ensues.


Episode 4 - Cyberwoman

A Torchwood employee, Lisa, was partially cybernised by the Cybermen in the Battle of Canary Wharf (events depicted in the last two episodes of the 2006 series of Doctor Who). She's been hanging out in the basement of Torchwood 3, and she decides to go apeshit.

NB: And that's not even mentioning that the cunning plan to rid Torchwood of 'Lisa' was to sick the pet pterodactyl on her. Genius.


But the Sydney Morning Herald's The Guide's review got it spot on, saying "The appeal of Torchwood is not so much that it's gloriously implausible sci-fi pulp, but that it knows it's gloriously implausible, sci-fi pulp."

And I ask you, truly, is that not the best type of sci-fi pulp?

Ok, there's no denying that the show's sci-fi budget was a little on the minimalist side, and was always, always, kept for the last 5 minutes. But this was all part of Torchwood's charm. I mean, it's a BBC production set in Cardiff. Yes, Cardiff, WALES, people! We're lucky they speak English.

And let us, just for a moment, consider what the substitute option is tonight - a documentary special on the alleged opening of Jesus Christ's tomb. I don't want to watch that! Why, EVER, would I want to watch that?? Channel 10, seriously. Have you forgotten your target audience? i.e. ME?? I love you Channel 10. I have no VCR, recordable DVD player, little recordy box thing, or Foxtel. I don't even change commercial tv channels!

As I like to say, "If it's not on Channel 10, it's not worth watching."

But this time, you've cut me deep Channel 10.

Torchwood at 12am Wednesdays?

That decision may well be 'separate from the government, outside the police and beyond the United Nations'... But it is also just WRONG.


*Speaking of Iron Chef, a 'please explain' goes out to you too SBS. No Iron Chef for the last two weeks now. Hmm....

Australia Says No To The Plant of Spiky Pineness

I have been most lax in expressing my distaste for that class of things and customs I have unilaterally labelled as being unquestionably wrong.

Ok, so raw eggs kicked things off, and I still back that. But the crazy heat of the Summer season has reminded me of another favourite wrongness. That is, fruit in savoury foodstuffs. Most notably, pineapple on any form of pizza, burger or other fast food delight.

And what is with the particular, inexplicable fascination pineapples hold for Queenslanders? Ok, so we grow most of them. But do Queenslanders just lose it over Summer? Is this the best taunting we have for Southerners?? "Ok, so you have some nice architecture, tasteful attire and serious multicultural diversity. But we have PINEAPPLE... on our PIZZA!"

I feel so dirty.

Raw Eggs

I'm quite regularly overcome by the sheer wrongness of some things in this strange, strange world. And so it came to pass that this all-new-and-improved category of posts was spawned.


Kicking off are raw eggs.

I really hate raw eggs. Like, REALLY.

I am terrified of eggnog, and suspicious of moist cakes.

They are SO wrong, I don't even know how to say it. But a few words come to mind:

• Slime
• Dodgy smell
• Blood spots
• Possible baby chickens

Admit it. You're going to think twice the next time someone offers you an overeasy toad-in-the-hole*.

*Wikipedia notes the following similar names for this traditional egg/bread combo. Try to pick my favourite: frog in the pond, bird's nest, birdie in a basket, eggs in a basket, eggs in frames, peek-a-boo eggs, holey toast, egg in a hole, bullseye toast, one-eyed jack, egg in a window, egg on a raft, man on a raft, paddy egg, castle'd egg, special egg, knothole egg, Popeye egg, Egyptian eyes, one eyed egyptian sandwich, gibbly's willies, eggy bread, scout eggs (US Boy Scouts), "eggs with hats on top" and "eggy in the basket"