A biased, blow-by-blow, contemporaneously tippity-tapped account of the night that stopped the nation.
Warning: If you don't like Idol, rantings, or relentlessly pov sarcasm, turn back now. On the other hand, if you don't like Reigan Derry, prepare to suckle at the altar my children.
Hooking in fashionably late at about 7.45 or so, the rave is kicking off with The Young Divas performing ‘Right About Now’ or some such. I still want some answers as to why Casey Donovan isn't the 5th Diva, but I fear this isn't the occasion to bring it up.
A quick transition to the latest Anthony Callea snoozetrack. I don't know what it is, but I know I don't like it. I'm slightly fixated by Callea's newly shaved head, but am shocked at the indecent lack of pink. All good Melbourne boys wear pink. His managers should be sacked.
Well, we're on to the state montage now – all the highs, lows and fillers that Idol is famous for. Ho hum.
Bringing artists back from the dead, Marcia and Deni are doing some 70s flashback that makes me feel sick. Disco music always makes me feel sick. I can't make out what the song's about. But check out Marcia’s glittery spandex jeans. My God. Do these people never age? Perhaps the dancing skill has declined, but I’m not convinced that it was tops to start with. The extensive panning shots lessen the impact of the spangles, but draw my attention to how much I loathe Sydney. Bloody flashy little town.
And did I mention that there’s a stack of back-up dancers supporting the Hines duo? Guess it gives the NIDA tryouts something to do. Looks like they employed half of Australia’s bodybuilding community also. Oh right, 'G' just said that the song was ‘Stomp’, so look out for that. Literally. Look out.
Oh heavens above. We’ve moved to the Telstra Street Idol winner who's scummed a stack of money for doing a totally shite version of Britney’s 'One More Time'. Wouldn’t you know it, she’s from Brisbane. My heart swells with pride. And she’s purportedly going to give the prize money to her parents to pay her school fees. Sure she is… her parents probably don’t even know she’s in Sydney.
Ad break and who would have thought, it’s Telstra banging on again. OH YEAH! AND the new 'All Night Long' Jupiters ad! Dang we love that ad! Better than Callea, that’s for sure. Aanyway, the next few ads are promoting foods I can’t eat, so let’s ignore them. Oh here we go. One of those Mazda/Idol ads. More specifically, that Mazda / Idol ad where Reigan Derry from Perth acts like a COMPLETE TOOL! I never liked her. I can’t believe she took on the George classic 'Breathe In Now'. Katie Noonan must be shuddering in her boots.
Rockin’. We’re back to it. Damien and Jessica's mums are chilling in the make-up room. They’re telling embarrassing stories that aren’t funny. Or embarrassing really. More filler. Any advice for Damo and Jess? “Good luck Jessie, and I hope you do well”. “Just relax and go with it”. Truckin' genius. I think Sheridan and the Maybelline Style Team wrote that for them.
'G' is back on the live outdoor stage. Lines are still open, and apparently I can make the difference. Must admit that I’m half tempted to give the old thumb a text frenzy just 'cause I’m so damn fed up with everyone saying that they want Jess to win. I can practically feel the unspoken finish to "I'm going for Jess" - “because that other guy doesn’t sound the same as us”. Losers. Jess is great. No doubt. But it's not like the world needs another Mariah – even if she is a lovely, smiley, 16 year old girl from the bush.
Guy Sebastian is rocking the outdoor stage now. What’s changed? He’s got a guitar, less hair and more attitude. Not to mention a somewhat unconvincing song. I think he might be trying to rock out. Perhaps taking a dead and shrivelled leaf out of Shannon Noll’s book? Nice vest anyways. Hmm… It’s not really holding my interest. Gee, I’m hungry. I managed to squeeze a shower into Callea’s monumental flop; perhaps I could whip up dinner in this one. OH S**T! Forget that!! The stage is FLOATING!!!! Talk about the wonders of technology. Looks like a giant ironing board. He should be careful. They can be tricky buggers to put back down. Wow, and so much smoke. Popping the stage must have opened the gates to hell.
Gee I don’t like this song. Or Sydney. At least someone turned off Guy's mike before he did a shout-out. Again, James Mathison has warned all that that track is 'Elevator Love'. Ooooooohhh… now I see why the stage had to go up.
Ads.
Oh please. 'G' just compared the Opera House to being one of the 7 wonders of the world.
And a throw to Shannon Noll’s new mushorama ‘Lonely’. BLURGH! The white jeans and dog tags are an interesting style statement. The phrase ‘turdy durge’ comes to mind. I’m glad Bindi’s joined me on the couch for a play.
Here we go. We’re talking to Shannon. He’s had a little girl this year. Fascinating. He’s going O/S to find some good writers. What is he saying about Australian writers?? Major faux pas there, my friend. OH NO! Here’s the audience shout-out. Go you good things.
More ads. Just annoyed hubby to go and make dinner. I can’t believe he’s missing all this action just to send out more Movember emails.
Damo and Jess are about to arrive it seems. To run with the regional diversity seen in Idol this year, the protagonists are entering via horse and cart cavalcade. What a rip off. I specifically voted for a double-decker Porsche. Oh my God. Leading the pack is Klancie Keough, escorting her breasts to the House. She is something else. Will modesty never reach the outback?
Final 2 outfits = Jess in a black strapless dress over pink ¾ tights. Damo in a sharp black suit with hoodie beneath. He’s so cool. Wow. Slowest walk up the red carpet ever. 'G' and Mathison are struggling. “Reaching for superlatives” says hubby. Statements like, “They’ve grown not just as performers, but as people.” Hmmm… “The nation's eyes upon them”. G and Matho keep yabbering on about the winner walking away as a recording artist. Like they both won’t. Has there been a single year when both finalists haven’t got a contract at the end of it? Guy and Shannon. Casey and Anthony, Kate and Emily. Nup, covered.
Finally, they’ve reached the summit. Jess & Damo are trying to talk, which is ordinarily the death nell for these Idol kiddies.
Back outside The Final 12 are doing a rendition of a Coldplay classic. Can’t believe I’ve already forgotten the names of some of them. But Dean Geyer. Dang, he’s so hot right now. The girls are going nuts. Liquid nuts. Why is Reigan at the front? Can’t somebody strap her to a train track or something? Ooooh, fireworks! Pretty. Pity the lighting on the O-House looks like the work of some crazed highlighters. So many fireworks. Spared no expense, I’d say. They obviously don’t have Level 4 fireworks restrictions south of the border. Damien and Jess have joined in the climax of the song, and are demonstrating why they’re the finalists. Lovely. Great song. Even hubby is humming along cooking the chops.
I’m so excited. Sounds like we’re about to actually get inside the House after a few short breaks.
We’ve made it inside, but another montage is upon us – flashbacks through the theatre rounds etc. George Beck. What. A. Tool. Thanks for reminding me about him. The commentary is more pap - “It would be a tougher competition than any other year”. Never heard that before. Man, there’s so too much Reigan in this montage. And not enough Bobby. He is a dead-set legend. Hold it. Did Mathison just say, “Whether they win or not, one of them is going to win”. No, I don’t think so. But boy I wish he did.
VOTING LINES ARE CLOSED. Do you hear me? So stop voting, you wallies. Another slow song to welcome us into the House. Age of Reason kicking off with REIGAN. NNNNOOOOOO! Who let her in? Klancie, you are rubbish too. The cute dimpled guy who I've forgotten is absolutely s***ting himself. Oh hell. We’ve pumped the song up to some fast disco track that should have stayed in the archives. Looks like a song montage on our hands. New transition to the rocky ‘Thinking about you, thinking about me. La da de da, la da de da" track. Forgotten the title. Should know. Afe will slam me for not knowing. Sweeet…. Bobby running with INXS classic Precious Heart. He really does look like Sideshow Bob. Which is even more weird, because, as hubby points out, Bobby's name is Bob too. Weeeiiirrrd… He’s passed the torch to Dean in a ripped-sleeve number. There’s so much bicep action going on that he just flexed Reigan off the stage. Ok, a little wishful thinking there. “You Really Got Me” with Chris Murphy. Ho hum. Not my thing. Back to Age of Reason with the Leith meister. He’s probably never heard the song before. And now Jess is at it. I hate to say it, but they both sound reasonably lame. Perhaps it’s because they want to puke on the front row.
Oh hell. J & D are talking again. Quick shift to Holden, decked out in the 100% white suit. Marcia, saying nothing again. And Kyle talking straight – he’s so real.
Ok, just finished dinner over this massive Jessica flashback and throw to the Territory. I’m trying to interpret Jess through the giggles. She’s going to sing after the break- 'When You Believe' – that same crap Mariah and Whitney song she sang last week. Who writes these songs? Is there some mush factory in the little known hills of Nepal churning this stuff out? I don’t know, but I’m sure Reigan’s involved. That’s right. If you’re reading this Reigan (yes, you know you can’t look away), then here’s the news flash. You’re not a hip young thing, you’re not a punkrocker. You are also… A Tool.
On to Damien now. That means another good 45 minutes of blurb. They called him ‘The People’s Tenor’ again. Gee, he must love that. Checking out the party at the Gaelic Club in Sydney, then across to Ireland. Aaaah… those Irish are so damn cute. They even say “good man”. Are they pissed? I think they’re offering him a dog. Out of all the great songs he’s done over the year, it seems Damo is, sadly, singing 'Nessun Dorma' tonight. Guess I can live with that.
Ok, they’ve promised the verdict very soon. I’m not convinced, and can’t stop yawning. More crosses to the respective party towns. More ads.
A final Top 12 performance. 'You Got the Music In You / You Only Get What You Give'. I like that one.
Right, well, we’re down to it now. I don’t know if Jess is going to cry or throw up. And I think Damien’s holding on to her for support. “And the winner of Australian Idol 2006 is…"
DAMIEN LEITH
Yeah! Good work Aus. You got this one right. As Damo says,
“Australian Idol. The best show on tv”.
At least until BB07.
With a $15 chips buy-in and $5 entry fee going to Movember (good lads), it was clear that all were psyched for a serious evening of betting, bluffing and sticking cards on their heads.
Well who cares, really?* The important thing is that Jesse lost all but his dacks and a stomping (though blurry) night was had all 'round.
Hola!
